Silence. That’s where many couples find themselves when communication breaks down.
There’s a Kenyan proverb that says, “Mkosa mila ni mtumwa.” A person without culture is a slave. In relationships, this reminds us that without shared values and traditions, we risk losing direction. Communication is one of those core values that anchors love, especially within the unique Kenyan family setting where extended relatives often hold influence.
When Silence Hurts More than Words
I once worked with a young couple from Nairobi. Let’s call them Peter and Grace. Their main struggle wasn’t a lack of love—it was the noise around them. Grace’s sister had strong opinions on their finances. Peter’s mother often gave unsolicited advice about how they should raise their firstborn.
One day, Grace’s aunt confronted Peter directly during a family gathering. She told him he wasn’t providing enough. He was humiliated in front of his cousins, uncles, and elders. Grace felt torn, wanting to defend him but also fearing she’d look disloyal to her family. The couple stopped talking openly about their frustrations because they feared that disagreements would escalate. Slowly, resentment grew. Not the interference alone. The silence between them.
When I think of Peter and Grace, I’m reminded that effective communication isn’t just about words. It’s about creating a safe space. A space where you can say, “pole pole,” let’s go slowly, instead of rushing to defend or blame. Too often, couples fall into “haraka haraka” mode—haste—thinking quick reactions solve problems. In reality, fast words often cut deeper than silence.
I’ve seen this with clients—one rushed word in anger ended up causing months of withdrawal. Just one. That’s why slowing down matters.
Words that Heal or Harm
Dear reader, if you’re in a relationship, you know the weight of words. They can heal. They can harm. They can hold a marriage together when money is tight, or tear it apart even in abundance. Research in Kenya shows that 60% of marriages involve input from extended family members. That influence makes honest communication between spouses even more critical. Without it, outside voices become louder than your own.
Small Steps for Big Changes
So how do you begin building healthier conversations? Start small. Share your day without editing yourself too much. Say, “I felt lonely when you worked late.” Simple. Honest. Vulnerable. Then listen without rushing to answer. Listening is not waiting for your turn to speak. It is presence. It is humility.
Sometimes you’ll need to repeat yourself. Sometimes your partner won’t hear you the first time. Frustrating, yes. But patience pays.
When Prayer Softens Hearts
One client told me she began praying with her husband every evening, even for just five minutes. During one of those prayers, she asked God to help her understand her husband’s fears rather than fight them. That moment became their turning point. Sometimes prayer softens what arguments harden.
As the Bible reminds us in Philippians 4:6, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” The same applies to requests you present to each other.
I’ve seen this with couples who once fought daily—when prayer entered, the tone shifted. Not overnight. But gradually.
Practical Guidance for Kenyan Couples
Here’s some practical guidance, drawn from years of coaching Kenyan couples:
- Create rhythms of communication. Have weekly check-ins about money, family, and plans. Keep them short, but keep them regular.
- Respect extended family voices, but prioritize each other. Acknowledge parents and relatives without letting them dictate your relationship.
- Use Swahili cues as reminders. When arguments heat up, say “pole pole” aloud. It signals slowing down. When tempted to rush decisions, remember “haraka haraka haina baraka”—haste has no blessing.
- Balance seriousness with play. Jokes and laughter are not distractions; they are glue.
Facing the Uncomfortable
Communication also means facing the uncomfortable. Saying, “I don’t like it when you compare me to your cousin,” without shouting. Naming the elephant. Then letting it go. Too many Kenyan couples bury their frustrations until they explode in ways that hurt children, in-laws, and even communities.
Dear reader, I invite you to take a pause today. Call your partner. Ask how they are feeling. Not what they are doing. Not what needs buying. How they are feeling. You’ll be surprised how much changes when the question is asked sincerely.
Closing Thoughts
Ultimately, communication is not about who wins the argument. It is about who feels understood. It is about walking together through joy and difficulty with words that affirm, not destroy. Because love without communication? Just a shell.