Arguments. That’s where many couples stumble, not because they fight, but because they don’t know how to fight well.
There’s a Kiswahili saying, “Mafahari wawili wakigombana, nyasi huumia,” which means, “When two bulls fight, the grass gets hurt.” In relationships, this proverb serves as a helpful reminder that when a couple mishandles conflict, the damage often extends beyond them. Children, relatives, and even neighbors can feel its ripple effects. Conflict is never just private.
When Nairobi Love Meets Family Pressure
I once worked with a couple from Nairobi, though their families were from Kiambu and Kisumu. Let’s call them Brian and Mercy. They loved each other deeply but found themselves constantly clashing about whose family deserved more time and financial support. Mercy wanted to send money home for her younger siblings’ school fees. Brian wanted to save for their own children’s future.
The arguments didn’t stay contained. During one Christmas visit, Mercy’s mother confronted Brian at the dinner table, accusing him of being selfish. Relatives chimed in—cousins, uncles, even a family elder. Mercy sat in silence, torn between defending her husband and respecting her mother. Afterward, she and Brian stopped talking for days. Not about the money. About the shame.
Conflict unmanaged. Love bruised. Trust shaken.
Conflict is inevitable. But how you handle it shapes whether your bond grows or breaks. When couples argue, many rush into haste—throwing words faster than they can take them back. Yet haste rarely blesses. Words spoken in speed often wound deeper.
The better way? Pole pole. Slowly. Take a pause. Breathe. Say, “I need a minute before I respond.” That pause, small as it seems, can prevent days of bitterness.
Dear reader, I’ve seen this with clients—when one partner embraced slowing down, their conflicts transformed. Not overnight. But steadily.
What the Numbers Reveal
Research in Kenya shows that 60% of marriages involve extended family input in major decisions. That means your fights about money, land, or raising children are rarely just about the two of you. They often include the opinions, expectations, and traditions of parents, siblings, and even uncles who may live far from your home but close in influence.
Here’s where it gets harder. Many Kenyan families still expect a daughter-in-law to care for her husband’s parents first, before her own. Others assume the eldest son must support siblings long after marriage. These unspoken expectations fuel silent battles at home. Battles that flare into loud disputes when ignored.
Practical Guidance for Kenyan Couples
Here are some tools I often share with couples from Nairobi to Nakuru:
- Name the real issue. Don’t fight about tea when the real problem is money.
- Use Swahili phrases as conflict cues. When a conversation gets tense, say “pole pole” aloud. It’s a reminder to slow down. When tempted to decide in anger, remember “haraka haraka haina baraka”—haste has no blessing.
- Respect family, but set boundaries. Acknowledge parents and relatives with honor, but agree as a couple on limits. Who do you support? When? How?
- Pick the right setting. Some fights don’t need an audience. Wait until you’re home. Protect your partner’s dignity, especially in front of in-laws.
- Use humor wisely. Laughter can diffuse tension. Avoid using jokes to dismiss serious concerns.
Sometimes the best conflict management tool is silence. Not the silence that punishes, but the silence that says, “Let’s revisit this tomorrow.”
Prayer as a Turning Point
In one session, a couple from Kisumu told me they began ending every argument with a short prayer, no matter how upset they were. At first, it felt forced. But slowly, prayer softened the sharp edges. Asking God for wisdom reminded them they were not enemies. They were partners.
As the Bible teaches in James 1:19, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” This isn’t just spiritual advice—it’s conflict management.
So, dear reader, I invite you to try it. Next time an argument feels unbearable, pause and pray. Even a thirty-second prayer can shift the energy from attack to understanding.
Facing the Hard Truths
Conflict reveals character. It shows whether you value winning or understanding. It tests whether you will protect your partner’s dignity or expose their flaws to outsiders. In Kenyan families, unresolved conflict often becomes the fuel for gossip, making reconciliation harder.
Yet conflict, when managed well, deepens intimacy. Couples who argue honestly and respectfully often grow stronger. They create a relationship where both voices matter. Where neither fears silence nor attack. Where love breathes again.
Closing Thoughts
Conflict is not the enemy. Silence, disrespect, and haste are. When you choose pole pole over haraka haraka, when you pray instead of curse, when you honor both your partner and your families, conflict becomes a teacher.
Because in the end, it’s not about avoiding arguments. It’s about learning to fight with love. To argue without destroying. To disagree while holding hands.
That’s how couples in Kenya and beyond can build marriages that last. Not perfect marriages. Real ones.