Women in Relationships: Understanding Needs, Values, and Connection
Silence can feel heavier than conflict. Many women in relationships show their pain through subtle actions, like pulling away, avoiding eye contact, or going quiet. Yet, these signs are often ignored.
Key Needs & Values
At the core, women need respect, safety, and recognition. Kenyan women, in particular, bear added responsibilities shaped by personal choices and family expectations. Research shows that over 60% of Kenyan marriages involve input from extended family. This means decisions about where to live, how to raise children, and when to resolve conflicts are rarely made solely by the two partners.
The proverb says, “Mwana wa mumu ni wa majimbo”—a child of a fool belongs to the community. This means women’s lives are connected to the wider clan. When you dismiss her family, you dismiss her foundation.
I’ve seen this with clients. One wife shared how her in-laws intervened in every disagreement. If she stayed quiet, she was seen as proud. If she spoke up, she was labeled disrespectful. What she valued most was a partner who could protect her, not from family, but from being misunderstood.
Respect, safety, and recognition are not luxuries—they are essentials.
Challenges and Dynamics
Women in relationships often juggle many identities. They are wives, mothers, professionals, church leaders, daughters, and sisters-in-law. Each role comes with expectations, and each expectation carries weight.
Communication is one of the hardest dynamics. A woman may say “I’m fine,” but her body language says otherwise. If you don’t notice, the distance grows. Slowly, then suddenly.
Cultural expectations add to the tension. Women are told to be strong, yet gentle. Independent, yet submissive. This balance is impossible. When disputes arise, in-laws often get involved. In some Kenyan households, a disagreement between husband and wife can escalate quickly if an aunt or mother-in-law is called to mediate. This can sometimes be helpful but is often destructive.
One client recounted how a small argument about school fees turned into a family tribunal. Her husband’s brothers and uncles confronted her, demanding an explanation. She felt ambushed. She later said, “It wasn’t a marriage fight anymore; it was a public trial.”
Then there’s the pressure of urgency. Too often, problems are solved “haraka haraka” (in a rush). But as the saying goes, “haraka haraka haina baraka”—haste brings no blessing. Healing requires patience. Pole pole. Step by step.
How to Foster a Strong Relationship
Strong relationships are built through intention. For women, this often means feeling truly seen.
Listen deeply. Not with a distracted nod while scrolling, but with full presence. Put the phone away. Reflect her words.
Share the load. A woman managing children, the household, and work can feel invisible when she carries it all. Lighten her burden.
Protect your private bond. Families will have opinions. Respect them, but keep final decisions between the two of you.
Celebrate growth. Recognize her milestones. A compliment for a presentation or gratitude for cooking after a long day carries more weight than you might think.
At this point, pause and ask yourself: have you prayed together this week? Even a short prayer before bed—thanking God for the day—can strengthen your connection in faith. Try it tonight.
I’ve seen this with couples who struggled for years. Once they prayed together, the atmosphere shifted. Not instantly, but pole pole, their bond deepened.
FAQ
Q: What is the role of women in relationships?
A: Traditionally, women nurtured homes and raised children. Today, their role is broader. They are providers, leaders, and partners in decision-making. In Kenya, women often act as mediators between their husbands and extended family. Their role is dynamic, not fixed.
How to understand women in a relationship?
Understanding women requires being present. Listen to their words, but also to their silences. Respect how her family shapes her identity. Disregarding her mother’s advice or ignoring her sister’s influence can hurt her deeply. To understand her is to see her entire world, not just her as an individual.
Q: What is the 3-3-3 rule in a relationship?
A: The 3-3-3 rule helps couples maintain a constant connection:
Spend 3 hours each week together in quality time.
Take 3 days each quarter to be away together.
Plan 3 weeks each year for deeper connection.
For women, this rule addresses their desire for steady presence. It’s not about money—it’s about attention.
Women are not asking for perfection. They are asking for presence, patience, and partnership.
Remember Amina’s story? Once her husband started listening—not rushing to fix things or calling in the in-laws—their relationship softened. Their evenings became lighter, and their disagreements felt less heavy.
Relationships are living entities. They need daily care. They grow pole pole, not haraka haraka. They thrive in prayer. Above all, they flourish when women feel recognized.
When a woman feels seen, the family thrives. And when the family thrives, the community grows stronger.
“Respect her. Hear her. Walk with her. That’s the real love story.”